how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
