Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
