i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
