I think I died a long time ago.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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