Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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