When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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