went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
