Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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