You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
