I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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