***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
it's like iHOP with fire
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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