I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
