I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
