i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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