i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
