Too much gin, very little bucket
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
