I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
