Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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