Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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