awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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