I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
