Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
