Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
