i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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