I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
