I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
