At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
