I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Randomize
