yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
