Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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