i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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