When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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