I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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