I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
