Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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