I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
