"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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