Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
