My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
