Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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