There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
