So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
