They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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