IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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