oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
