For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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