halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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