you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
