I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
