My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
