I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
