so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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