2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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