Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
