I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Can you bring me the toilet please
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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