If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
