i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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