Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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